Am I becoming a permanent traveller on the ghost ship?

 Ghost ships are often used to replace the word 'regret'. I find it quite a funny word, in my mind it's a cruise. There are many things to do in a cruise- shopping, water park, hell lot of restaurants and ofc thousands of rooms for the fellow aboders. The interesting thing is that each person who boards- from the beginning or the end, always comes with a story. Whenever I go to a new place or even to take a walk I always think- "How did this person experience life today?" yet I let it go because I have to deal with my own baggage. We all have regrets- the rich and the poor. Those who don't should get themselves checked because it means you're not 'human'. We all experience regrets in different ways and cope up with it otherwise. I, for one, think. I fit well into the category of a thought daughter. Ofc Ill run away but I'll think for an eternity about how that situation could've went if any of us could've done things a little differently or I didn't say those things or maybe I reached out to them. I boarded the ghost ship an eternity ago. The thing about ghost ships is that you feel lonely even though you are travelling with your fellow grievers and ofc your heavy baggage of memories. It's a void you try to constantly fill. Its like when you're drowning your lungs start to give up but you're still trying with all your might to get up to the surface, but the more you try, more you drown. I never quite understood this equation even though I am drowning. Every single day I am haunted by what the multiverse has to offer. It's like Ive become wanda except Im searching for peace and security I had with those people disregarding they wronged me or just left. I think the root of everything is Love. You love your family, your dog, your friends and even your enemies. Love is the nitrogen of our existence yet we choose not to believe in it. Its true, Im one of them. I think love is for the wounded. You haven't truly loved someone if you arent willing to give up your life for them. But love is also saving yourself from yourself, saying goodbye to people with a good heart who serve you no purpose, cutting the thread with a person who doesn't care about you. 

After loving a lot of people in a lot of different ways- Love is not for soft hearted people like me. Love is meant to destroy your soul and snatch your identity till not even god can give you one except calling you theirs. I have only experienced that love only once. But I'm glad to have done. Its a beautiful kind of love that leaves you with no pieces, you cant even gather yourself even if you wanted to. Its treacherous and brutal yet beautiful. Ive never 'hated' the people Ive truly loved. All I miss is the memories and the feeling of having it all. Now that I look back, you never value somethings until you lose them- or they themselves choose to go. In all my most cherished relationships, even though its quite peculiar and I thank god that I was saved from much greater pain and agony but they themselves chose to go. One was very direct and another- well not so much. Im happy I got a closure but I boarded the ghost ship due to the other one because we just stopped talking because I knew it was better for me and the other person did not try to reach out to me at all and I just wanted to save myself FOR ONCE. Sometimes Im glad I got out but then the other days I'm stuck thinking if that's not what the other person meant. Given our circumstances they're just trying to save me and dying to talk to me as much I am dying to talk to them. I don't know. Maybe or maybenot you never know. All I know is that I'm on a ghost ship with no clear destination but I also know one thing- Im mature enough to understand that no relationship is worth completely losing myself over when there's no direction. 

Even though Im confused of what the other person wants and I still love them deeply, Ill choose myself.